Monday, December 12, 2005

Fly the Islamic Skies!

MAS means "Malaysian Airline System"--it's more commonly known as Malaysian Airlines. It's considered the national carrier and 'flagship' airline of the country. And it's hemorraging money at a prodigious rate. MAS is seemingly unable to be profitable, and is looking at bankruptcy in the near future if the financial mess can't be cleaned up, and quickly.

The Malaysian Government is vowing not to bail them out again this time, as they they have done at least once before, under the noble Doctor M's leadership. No bailouts, they promise, even if it means letting the misbegotten company dying a natural (if premature) death. MAS claims that high oil prices are at least partially to blame for the cash crunch, but this excuse fails to explain why Malaysia's version of Southwest Airlines (Air Asia) continues to make profits and rachet up its market share.

To the noble end of saving MAS, I humbly offer my own solution. Let's take Malaysia's opposition Islamist politcal party, PAS, and put them in charge of MAS! What might a PAS-MAS airline look like?

  • Planes painted in an all-green color scheme, with a huge Islamic crescent moon on the tail, and copious amounts of Arabic script on the fuselage (in other words, a lot like the flag of Saudi Arabia)
  • No cheesy elevator music will be played in the cabin. Music is so evil and corrupting anyway. Only calls to prayer and other appropriate Islamic chants will be played onboard.
  • Sex segregated seating--women on one side of the aisle and men on the other. Or, men only in the first/business class with women packed exclusively into coach.
  • And perhaps we can rename those seating sections into something more Islamic sounding, like 'Jihad' class, 'Shaheed' class, or 'Sharia' class.
  • All flights land five times a day just before the calls to prayer. Flights will resume only after prayers are done
  • No infidels allowed on board, or we can always charge the dhimmis special 'jizya' rates (at least double the usual rate)
  • Flight attendants are female only and are dressed in all-covering ninja-black burqa's. No male flight attendants! They will be terminated, or stoned (or both).
  • All cockpit doors will have the following signage posted: "Flight Crews or Mujahadeen Only"
  • Members of AQ, JI and other certified Jihadists get 'special' rates, or even frequent flyer miles (if they live long enough and stay out of a secret CIA lockup long enough to use them, that is).
  • PAS/MAS will concentrate its routes on Dar al Islam, with daily flights to Cairo, Damascus, Mekkah, Medina, Abu Dhabi, Teheran, Karachi, and other important Islamic cities. Routes will be global upon the eventual victory of the Great Global Jihad.
  • Qurans for all passengers for in-flight reading. None of those corrupting, westernized, typical in-flight magazines and such


American Crusader said...

Unfortunately mismanagement of airline companies isn't restricted to Malaysia. Continental, Delta, TWA, Eastern Airlines and on and on. I've never been able to figure out why so many Airlines companies fail. I know that in America, the unions are often culprits (Eastern Airlines is a perfect example), but whenever I fly the planes are always near capacity and they have for all practical purposes removed all the amenities. Can't someone better manage these companies? Oh least we don't have to land for afternoon prayers.
Greedy CEO's are probably just as culpable as the unions are.

John Sobieski said...

You're right AC. Just a cattle car now in coach. As I recall, the government handed out a lot of money to the airlines after 9/11 to help them survive. Now look at them, most of them flying broke. Beats me why people want to start up airlines and lenders want to lend them money, since the majority go bankrupt!

American Crusader said...

I've noticed that JetBlue has found the formula for running a profitable airline that doesn't make one feel like being in a cattle car. Maybe others should take notice.

hutchrun said...

The Islamic Bank in Malaysia is also up shit creek.

hutchrun said...

MAS, in the red, continues to featherbed, losing more money

MAS the flying buffet

It`s fun reading!!