Sunday, September 17, 2006

From the House of Family Jihad

I knew all along that the decision that I have made—converting to Christianity from Islam—would have undesirable consequences. I knew the path I chose wasn’t a walk in the park. But I guess I, somehow, managed to deny this truth for quite awhile. Somewhere in my mind, I thought I was living in a perfect world, that somehow (however illogical it might sound to those who know about my situation) it was all going to be alright.

Recently, I found out how wrong I really was. I had my fears realized and that realization for me has been earth-shaking and profound. The world has taken on different, frightening dimensions, and I don’t think it will ever be the same.

Sometime last month, my parents and I were sitting at our dinner table here in Dubai, discussing the war between Israel and Lebanon which had just recently been concluded in a ceasefire. My father, as usual, declared his opposition to the “Israeli barbarity” and that he knew that “Israel wants to wipe the Muslims off the face of the earth”. Discussions at my house are always like this and this was nothing new or different.

However, the conversation this time took a different path. That’s because, for the first time, I openly tried to defend Israel in my own home. I started by reminding my father that “it was Hezbollah that started that war by kidnapping IDF soldiers and raining rockets on innocent Israeli civilians”. But my father replied in a somewhat aggressive manner that “this” was “the Zionist propaganda” I was mindlessly “repeating”. In my father’s scheme of things, I had been following the “lies of the Zionists”, and he told me that I “should always side with the Muslims because Allah is with Muslims”.

I was quiet for a time, angry—I wanted to scream—but I didn’t. Calming myself down, I asked him, “If Muslims always do right, then why did the Mutawwas (the Saudi religious police) let several young girls burn to death just because they weren’t wearing a burqa? That counts as murder and murder is prohibited in Islam.” I thought that he would try to explain away that crime somehow. But all he did was look at me angrily, and retorted fiercely, “That’s impossible, that can never happen in Saudi Arabia, they’re real Muslims, you get your news from Zionist sources and you’re wrong!

Shocked by his response, I told him that even some Saudi newspapers reported that news—I asked whether they were written by Zionists too and his answer, again very simple, was, “Yes!” Without another word, he got up and left the house to go to work.

All this time, my mother was just listening to us talk. I turned to my mother and just said, “What I said there about girls in Mecca is true, it actually happened.” She said, “You should show your father the Saudi newspaper that said that.” But I asked, “Why won’t he believe me? I am his son!” She didn’t say anything to that even though she knew I was hurt.

Since I had opened the discussion about Muslims committing crimes and not being perfect, and dad wasn’t around anymore, I said to my mom, “Muslims do bad things all the time—recently, in Afghanistan, they wanted to murder a person (Abdul Rahman) just because he had converted to Christianity from Islam.” She asked me again what he’d done and I told her, “He was born a Muslim but then 16 years ago he converted to Christianity, and they wanted to kill him for that. But they couldn’t because of international pressure, so now he’s in Italy as a refugee.

Without thinking about it for even a second, she replied, “They should have killed him for that, he deserves to die. He committed a crime and that’s the punishment for it; anyone who leaves his religion should die.

Silence filled the room. I was shaking and looking at my mom while she appeared very peaceful and normal. She wasn’t even looking at me; she was not paying any attention to me at all. I was looking at her though, and thought not a word came from my lips. I wanted to ask her, “Should the Christians who convert to Islam be murdered too?” But I didn’t, because I already knew the answer to that question.

That day, for the first time, I heard from my mother’s mouth all that I had feared—my own family hated who I was, my own mother despised me. I knew that their love for me will cease on the day they come to know the truth about me. What my mother said felt like someone had just forced a dagger into my chest, and instead of dying, I was left with that pain forever.

I got up from my chair and went to my room, overwhelmed by an empty feeling that I am in this dreadful situation totally alone, abandoned to my fate. Almost everything that has happened in the past six years, everything that I have contemplated, came back to me flashing like a movie being played in the theater over and over. I was horrified, losing hope. My head was spinning and I almost lost control. “Why did my mom say what she said? If she knew the truth about me, would she still say the same? What if she does?” I was asking myself all these questions.

I was afraid, not so much because death seemed not so far away, but because I thought that now I would die “as a slave”—that now I will never get to see and experience the freedom I am fighting and hoping to have for so long. To me, it seemed like the end of the world.

Since that day, I have started spending most of the time in my room away from my whole family. I’ve been lucky my parents haven’t ‘yet’ brought this up again, but I don’t know how I will face it if they do. I fought against almost everything for six years, but that one sentence from my mom broke me. I feel weak and tired.

I don’t regret the decisions I have made, not at all. I don’t regret being in my family. What I do regret is that I am unable to show what I know to be true to my folks. I regret that I live in a world where, even though I know the truth, I can’t experience it freely. I can’t share it because I am afraid. I regret that I haven’t been able to overcome my fears, but then, if I had—I would be six feet under by now.

To be honest, I count myself a failure. While it is true that I have found the light, I have lost almost everything I had—my family, my youth and my hope of attaining freedom. All I have left now is my two best friends (who’ve always been there for me), but who are so far away that I can talk to them only through the internet. And there’s God who too, it sometimes feels, has turned His back on me. It hurts!

I don’t know how long I will be able to stand before I collapse but I am firm on one thing—I am never going back to Islam, no matter what the price.

52 comments:

Bernie. said...

You are very brave, and who knows what torment you are going through.
Your family are your flesh and blood, it cannot be denied, but the chains of that religion have bound them and that is the crying shame.
I hope you find a way to both love your family and move on with your new life.
You are not alone.

Pastorius said...

We Christians in America do not have trials like yours. I understand why you feel so alone. Paul, of course, had trials like this. He was imprisoned and tortured for his belief in Christ.

And Christ himself was tortured because He refused to deny who He was. On the cross He felt so lonely that He cried out to His Father, "Why have you forsaken me?"

I would not dare to give you any advice, because your situation is so much harder than anything I have had to deal with. All I can say is remember the examples of Paul and of Christ, and know that God is with you.

And also, know that we admire you.

Always On Watch said...

Avenging Apostate,
Oh, you are not a failure! You are NOT!

Do you know the verse, "What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?"

You are in incredibly difficult circumstances. But the Lord understands. Lean on Him, and don't despair. Romans 8:28 says "All things work together for them who love the Lord..."

Your heart is breaking now--I understand that. Still, you are not broken; instead, you are here telling us about what's going on. As your sister in Christ, I offer my hand and my prayers to you--across the boundaries of cyberspace; and God is there because He is everywhere.

I wish that I could do more. Say more.

The Merry Widow said...

Avenging Apostate- i am a friend of Always on Watch, in a matter of fact she e-mailed me to put you on the bloggers prayer chain that she and I are a part of! You are going on the prayer chain, pronto! You are our brother and we will uphold you in prayer. You do have a spiritual family and we are but a small part of it. G*D HIMself says that HE puts the lonely in families. I'm getting off now to go put your plight on the chain, be strong and courageous angels walk around you and the Lord HIMself is close in this time of distress!
May G*D bless you and keep you, may HE cause HIS Face to shine upon you!
tmw

Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit said...

Meanwhile, when a crowd of many thousands had gathered, so that they were trampling on one another, Jesus began to speak first to his disciples, saying: "Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.
"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
"I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God. And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.
"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."

Someone in the crowd said to him, "Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me."
Jesus replied, "Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?" Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'

"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '

"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'

"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

"Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, like men waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him. It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. I tell you the truth, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the second or third watch of the night. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into. You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."

Peter asked, "Lord, are you telling this parable to us, or to everyone?"

The Lord answered, "Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom the master puts in charge of his servants to give them their food allowance at the proper time? It will be good for that servant whom the master finds doing so when he returns. I tell you the truth, he will put him in charge of all his possessions. But suppose the servant says to himself, 'My master is taking a long time in coming,' and he then begins to beat the menservants and maidservants and to eat and drink and get drunk. The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.

"That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

"I have come to bring fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until it is completed! Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law."

He said to the crowd: "When you see a cloud rising in the west, immediately you say, 'It's going to rain,' and it does. And when the south wind blows, you say, 'It's going to be hot,' and it is. Hypocrites! You know how to interpret the appearance of the earth and the sky. How is it that you don't know how to interpret this present time?
"Why don't you judge for yourselves what is right? As you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled to him on the way, or he may drag you off to the judge, and the judge turn you over to the officer, and the officer throw you into prison. I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."


[Luke, Chapter 12]

BaconEating AtheistJew said...

I am curious, does your father think 9/11 was a Zionist conspiracy too?

It sounds like you are in a bad situation. Not by your fault, but you are not different than in a situation that is unique. Many Atheists get shunned, not just by their families but by society. Except the Western mindset is more of a live and let live philosophy than what I see with Muslims who seem a bit more intolerant and are more apt to believe in conspiracy theories.

Maybe you should take your mother's lead and show your father the actual articles, and ask them to explain them to you.

Also ask your mother why it is OK to become a Muslim, but not OK to become a Christian. It is better to get it out in the open.

And you are not a loser, you are brave to do what you did even though I don't even believe in a historical Jesus myself:)

Demosthenes said...

I'm overwhelmed by your story. You have my deepest wish for better times. As an atheist, I can only tell you that there will come a day when you don't live with your family. You need to make that day as soon as possible. I'm not sure which country you live in, but I would suggest moving to the biggest city in your country. There is probably some degree of anonymity, there. If you can emigrate somewhere sane, that would be even better.
I'll continue to read your journal to provide what human comfort that I can. I know that the internet is fairly meagre medium for our social needs and our loves.

BaconEating AtheistJew said...

Here is some more Zionist propaganda as your dad would say.

Brooke said...

You are not a failure! I will pray for you, as meager as my prayers may be.

God will take care of you.

Epaminondas said...

You have got some of the biggest balls of all time.

I can't even guess what would be going thru my mind hearing this kind of stuff from my mother.

Ignorance and denial are powerful in this world.

May God protect you from those who love you and those who don't.

We'll be thinking of you especially from this coming friday until a week from monday. You will be in our prayers.

Pastorius said...

Avenging Apostate,

Concerning your father's outright denial that Muslims can do anything evil; this is a rather common phenomenon, as I understand it.

Here's a link from LGF today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYdqV_x1k4&mode=related&search=

Similarly, after the Egypt Air flight was crashed into the sea by the pilot, the Egyptian government refused any realistic cooperation with the American authorities as they tried to find out what happened. Repeatedly, the Egyptians told the Americans that the pilot could not have crashed the plane on purpose because Islam forbids suicide.

Avenging Apostate said...

Bernie,

I hope you find a way to both love your family and move on with your new life.
You are not alone.


Me too. Thanks for the support.

Pastorius,

All I can say is remember the examples of Paul and of Christ, and know that God is with you.

Thanks. It has been those examples that strengthened me all this time. But sometimes it gets too hard. Hope this feeling of darkness around me goes away soon.

Always on Watch,

As your sister in Christ, I offer my hand and my prayers to you--across the boundaries of cyberspace; and God is there because He is everywhere.

I wish that I could do more. Say more.


The merry widow,

I'm getting off now to go put your plight on the chain, be strong and courageous angels walk around you and the Lord HIMself is close in this time of distress!

Brooke,

You are not a failure! I will pray for you, as meager as my prayers may be.

God will take care of you.


Epaminondas,

May God protect you from those who love you and those who don't.

We'll be thinking of you especially from this coming friday until a week from monday. You will be in our prayers.


Thanks, AOW, TMW, Brooke and Epaminondas. Your prayers mean a lot to me.

Mr. Beamish the instablepundit,

Thanks for that passage, its beautiful.

Bacon Eating Atheist Jew,

I am curious, does your father think 9/11 was a Zionist conspiracy too?

Yes. Along with very many other theories.

Maybe you should take your mother's lead and show your father the actual articles, and ask them to explain them to you.

Also ask your mother why it is OK to become a Muslim, but not OK to become a Christian. It is better to get it out in the open.


Confronting my family with such questions has a very high risk to it. I dont think I am ready to take that kind of risk right now.

And you are not a loser, you are brave to do what you did even though I don't even believe in a historical Jesus myself:)

Thanks. And I gather from your name that you don't believe in God either. But I don't hate you for that nor do I wish ill for you. Only if Muslims had the ability to change.

Demosthenes,

I'm overwhelmed by your story. You have my deepest wish for better times.

Thanks.

I'm not sure which country you live in, but I would suggest moving to the biggest city in your country. There is probably some degree of anonymity, there.

I am in the UAE, a country in the middle east, neighbor to Saudi Arabia and Iran. 100% of the citizen population of which is Muslim and the Muslim culture is deeply rooted in the society (even though they boast to be the only truly multicultural society in the mideast). I live in the biggest city (population: 1.1 Million both citizen and non-citizen) in this tiny country.

I'll continue to read your journal to provide what human comfort that I can.

Thanks again.

Warren said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Elmer's Brother said...

AA,

I too am praying for you.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

John Sobieski said...

Isn't it time to pack your bags, or is this not an option for the foreseeable future?

European Kafir said...

My dear friend

My thoughts are going out to you!

I wished I could help you... if there is anything I can do for you... then please let me know - I can always try.
Is there any chance for you to go abroad? Like going to study abroad?

Big hugs (was great talking to you the other day :-))

EK

The Anti-Jihadist said...

Main problem for Mr Apostate is the fact that he's saddled with a Paki passport. Means he needs a visa to go just about anywhere, even as a tourist. And if he walks into any foreign embassy and even tries to apply for one, Mr Jihad (apostate's dad) is going to find out about it, quickly. And that's very bad news.

Money is also somewhat a problem, since Apostate is a college student, living at home, and he cant get a job without a work permit (the UAE is not his homeland). The money issue can be dealt with, but the more serious difficulty would be obtaining a visa to a free country.

So yes, Mr Apostate would love to pack his bags and be on the first flight out tomorrow morning, but there are some fairly serious logistical issues to solve here, and I'm out of ideas.

If anybody has any serious suggestions, feel free to comment here or email us at PI.

The Merry Widow said...

Getting AA out would be optimal in the "flesh", we don't know what G*D has planned! BUT we can pray that the way will be opened for him to leave, maybe a study or work program with an option to turn it into something more permanent. AA, the worst pain I suffered was knowing that my beloved Father had rejected the Lord and he died away from G*D, I will never see him again, that breaks my heart! To know that your family rejects TRUTH is cause for grief. Paul in Romans 9-11 grieves for his people! This is a heartache many carry, you are not alone in your suffering. I will also pray that you run into 1 or 2 more believers and that G*D will give you a sweet fellowship with the knowledge that you have Jesus with you!
Go with G*D and be blessed my brother!

tmw

eyesallaround said...

Our prayers are with you.

Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

European Kafir said...

what apostate needs - in my eyes - is real help.. not just prayers. so anyone who does have connections or ideas... please get in touch.

EK

The Merry Widow said...

EK- I'm not in a position to do more than spread his plight and pray! I'm a widow with 2 teens to raise, so moola and influence outside the petitioning of the Throne of Heaven I am lacking in, don't discount that! Spreading the word to others may bring this to the attention of someone who is able to help, tangibly!

tmw

European Kafir said...

tmw:

It was not my intention to critizice your prayers for him.. no way! They are very much appreciated!

I apologize.. for having caused a misunderstanding here.

EK

The Merry Widow said...

EK- Not a problem! We all do what we can! And as I said, we don't know what G*D's Will is for AA, HE may want AA there as a witness against Satan. He also will have a testamony that will encourage others! G*D can do some amazing things and protecting him in place may Glorify HIMself more! Remember, it's not about us, but HIS Glory!
My first instinct is to yank AA out of there so fast it'll make everybodies head swim! That also may be G*D's Will. I don't know, but I will be lifting AA up to Heaven, constantly!

tmw

Thomas_the_kaffir said...

I'm am truly sadended by your situation AA

I live just outside London with my wife and 2 daughters, and would like to offer you to come here and stay with us as long as you like, you would be very welcome. our church is only 150 meters from our home so and it would be very good for you.

ok, ok, i know its not gonna happen, but its a nice thought, keep up the good work mate

love 'the kaffirs' xxx

Avenging Apostate said...

Warren,

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Elmer's Brother,

I too am praying for you.

Eyesallaround,

Our prayers are with you.

Thank you for the prayers and the passages. They mean a lot to me.

Avenging Apostate said...

John S,

Isn't it time to pack your bags, or is this not an option for the foreseeable future?

As AJ pointed out. For me it is very hard to just up and get out of here. I would love to, of course, whenever I get the chance. But right now, attaining freedom seems very improbable.

Avenging Apostate said...

EK,

My thoughts are going out to you!

I wished I could help you... if there is anything I can do for you... then please let me know - I can always try.
Is there any chance for you to go abroad? Like going to study abroad?


Going abroad to study would have been an option if international institutes and universities weren't already available here in the UAE. Because of their presence, the "need" to go to any western nation, specifically, English and America dies away.

I do want to, of course, but my dad will not allow that. Since it is my father furnishes all the expenses, I don't see that happening.

As AJ said, to get a job I need a work permit and since my father doesnt see the need for me to work, I don't think I am getting a permit anytime soon.

what apostate needs - in my eyes - is real help.. not just prayers. so anyone who does have connections or ideas... please get in touch.

It was not my intention to critizice your prayers for him.. no way! They are very much appreciated!


Yes, I would love any help I can get right now, but, as you said yourself, I very much appreciate the prayers too.

Thanks for your comment, EK.

Avenging Apostate said...

Thomas the Kaffir,

I live just outside London with my wife and 2 daughters, and would like to offer you to come here and stay with us as long as you like, you would be very welcome. our church is only 150 meters from our home so and it would be very good for you.

ok, ok, i know its not gonna happen, but its a nice thought, keep up the good work mate.


Thanks. Maybe, someday, I will drop by to say Hello.

The Merry Widow said...

AA- When G*D wants you out, you will go...no one has ever thwarted HIS plans and intentions! Until then, you are under HIS watchcare and HE never slumbers or sleeps! I think of you several times a day and when I do I pray for you! Keep us informed of your situation so we can pray with knowledge and understanding! Alright?
What is your major in college? Maybe someone has a company or business that could open a spot for you. Until then, please let us know what is happening!
Good night, G*D bless and Maranatha!

tmw

Avenging Apostate said...

The Merry Widow,

AA- When G*D wants you out, you will go...no one has ever thwarted HIS plans and intentions!

I understand what you're saying. I am just tired of everything around me. Maybe I am just a little impatient. I am just hoping I recover soon.

What is your major in college? Maybe someone has a company or business that could open a spot for you.

I'm majoring in business.

Until then, please let us know what is happening!

I will try my best! Thanks for the comment.

John Kaafir جون كفير said...

you said: Since that day, I have started spending most of the time in my room away from my whole family. I’ve been lucky my parents haven’t ‘yet’ brought this up again, but I don’t know how I will face it if they do.

I pray you avoid, & change the subject immediately when it is presented again. You need bide your time and spend time with the family to avoid suspicion until opportunity for escape presents. It shall. I hope you erase history and keep no favorites (bookmarks) on your PC or laptop after each and every use.
God bless you.

The Merry Widow said...

AA- 2 practical spiritual things you might try; before you get out of bed in the morning ask for an extra measure of G*D's Grace for the day and put on the full armour of G*D, Eph. 6:10-18, ask the Holy Spirit to remind you every morning and HE will! I know, I do it everyday and I have found my days are better, my focus is better and I have a sense of security in HIM all day! Give it a try, it may help with your feelings of failure and impatience. It places you in a more G*D-centered frame of mind!
Good morning, G*D bless and Maranatha!

tmw

Mrs. Evans said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
nanc said...

we have all been bound by fears. coming from a less than faithful family myself - i can say that i am following the commandment to "honor your mother and father" - which doesn't always mean we agree with them. my take is that we learn to live well in spite of the beliefs we have thrust upon us by them.

my heart is with you on this. my mother calls me a "Jesus freak" - she's 70 AND an irish catholic!

i know i don't fit in with the crowd - but you sure pick me out of the crowd.

live well and be a silent witness to your parents if the need be. sometimes that's all we can do.

my own husband having grown up in a jehovah witness family took several years to come out of the dark. remember, the ways of God are higher than ours.

go with G-d.

nanc said...

p.s. - i see you are in very good company here with the exception of a couple thorns in your side - remember, that thorn is meant to be a constant reminder of what He did for ALL once.

Old Soldier said...

Avenging Postate, I will place you on my Sunday School prayer list as well as pray for you myself.

There is no human advice that is worthy for you to follow other than to bath yourself in prayer and seek God's will. Do not feel shame at hiding your faith from your family. Obviously God has a plan for you in the future and does not want your life cut short.

May God grant you serenity and strength in your faith.

Freedomnow said...

Avenging Apostate,

The reason you are filled with despair is because you have unrealistic hopes.

Your parents' bigotry is not their fault. It is based on the values that they learned from society. Since they are older than you they have grown up in more conservative times than you are living in now.

You have to learn to love them without expecting them to understand this side of you.

They may disown you one day when they find out, but if they truly love you then there is a small amount of hope.

To increase your chances of holding on to them you must forgive them for this weakness. No matter how bad it may be.

If you can forgive them, then maybe you can forgive yourself. Guilt is a terrible thing to bear. Its not worth holding on to, but the parents who gave birth to you and nurtured you when you were helpless - are worth it...

Forgiveness is the Christian thing to do.

The Anti-Jihadist said...

If AA only had to worry about being disowned by his family.

If his 'little secret' ever slips out, he's looking at a rapid one-way ticket back to his homeland, Pakistan. There, he is facing a quick, religious kangaroo court that will (naturally) sentence him to death for his 'crime' of apostacy. His family will certainly not stop such a barbarity, for they will be the ones to turn in their own son.

Pakistan's barbaric laws actually make such miscarriages of justice quite legal.

Mark said...

What a sad story! How brave you are!

In my humble opinion, you should never be tempted to let the cat out of the bag while you live where you live. Keep your own counsel! That will be safer for you.

Meanwhile, look for a way of going abroad to study. Then you will feel less lonely.

Good luck, my friend. May God keep you safe!

Skylark said...

You are in no way a failure. You are suffering for your faith in Christ - and in the Bible it says'The Lord is close to the broken-hearted'. Never forget that.

Your parents cannot easily leave the entire universe they know. Try to tell anyone who has based an entire life on a false set of beliefs and the normal reacion is to deny it. Some are psychologically strong - some have mental breakdowns when confronted with the destruction of their known universe. They often prefer to cling to the inconsistent beliefs for security reasons.

ONe way however is to tell stories of people who did doubt - Muslims who asked questions - such as the Saudi journalists who wrote about the religious police. Even if your parents do not accept what you say at first - you might somehow get the notion of 'questioning' through to them. Tell them of the innocent Muslim victims of Muslim violence and say that Muslims can misinterpet - as two groups of Muslims can hold contradictiory beliefs and they cannot be both right.

God bless you and stay strong.

Dan M said...

Was Christ a failure, was Peter, was Paul, was John Paul II for that matter?

How the world judges success and failure is quite different from how the Almighty judges such things.

In the world, things are judged by results. But in the world of faith, God judges by earnestness, mental toughness and will power. He judges you by your attempt. And his understanding of you is through a prism of overwhelming love, a love so vast, so fierce, as to be all devouring. That love devours your flaws, devours your mistakes, devours your weaknesses, and more, makes up for them.

Such is the love of God. A God that underwent all that we've gone through, AND MORE. All that you are experiencing, rejection, isolation, fear, GREAT FEAR, anxiety, all of that, Christ knew too.

Your passion is enveloped in the passion of the mystical body of Christ, thus when God views you, he sees the blood, the tears, the sweat, the stripes, the mangled flesh of his own son, he sees the passion of mind that his son endured.

You feel that God has abandoned you, Christ himself felt as much, God cried out to God, and the cosmos itself rocked in dread anticipation, as the son cried out to the Father, in the presence of the Holy Spirit, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani...." or "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me...?"
This is a mystery, how can God, abandon God, or even be abandoned. But it is today, as it was then, for the Crucifixion is a stumbling block to the Jews, a folly to the Greeks, but to those that believe, the power and wisdom of God...."

You are as molten steel, being tempered. You are being toughened, you are being made ready to bear witness, powerful witness. The manner of your testimony I don't presume to know, nor can I hint at, but you are being made strong, though you know it not. You are being readied for battle, a battle of wills, a battle of spirit. In the years ahead, you shall look back upon this experience as the formative period in your existence. And what shall come, shall pale in comparison to what has passed.

Recall the words of Cardinal Newman, which I loosely paraphrase: "God is working towards a purpose, I don't know what that purpose is, but I know that he works me towards it...."

Islam is a great empire, a totalitarian empire, of the spirit and mind. It's erosion shall be akin to the collapse of ancient Rome. You are in the Catacombs of islam. You feel your faith is hiddened, private, and it is. But in Rome, long ago, other Christians went through what you are enduring. Their faith existed in the Catacombs too. And sometimes, their faith only lived briefly in the light, and that light was that of the sun, shining down upon the Coliseum, before their martyrdom.

I stand in awe of you.

That probably shocks you, but it is so. The hand of the Almighty is surely upon you. And all of us can see it from afar.

Dan M said...

And one thing more....

BE PATIENT. Don't expose yourself uncessarily, neither to family nor friends.

Recall that line from scripture: "cast ye NOT your pearls before swine, lest they grind them into the ground, AND TURN, and TEAR you to pieces." I have lived this verse of scripture, and have found out its salience only afterwards, when I, myself, was torn to pieces. Of course, I'm not calling your family "swine." Not that at all. What I'm saying is that the secrets of the King are sometimes best kept closely held by his servants. So be silent, and offer that silence as a prayer, pleasing and perfect to the Father of mercies, and the King of Hearts.

So be patient, pray, endure, pray some more, pray even more, offer yourself in union with him, who is Lord and Savior.

So be patient, be circumspect, be ever and always circumspect, be constantly vigilant against the slightest divulgence.

And be wise, and ask the Holy Spirit to arm you with all virtues you'll need to see yourself through this valley of the shadow.

I don't know if you've heard this, but in one of the Marian apparitions, the Mother of Christ said to one of the visionaries: "Everybody on this planet has their Cross, EVERYBODY."

That's an interesting statement. Especially when said by her, who was there, over two thousand years ago. Everybody has a cross, everybody is in a situation where they're hanging there, suffering, enduring, praying, exposed to the torments of doubt, fear, futility and solitude. Utter solitude, the solitude of being nailed like a thing to a Cross.

FreeCyprus said...

>>
Ahhh radical Islam...

A Day In The Life of Radical Islam

defiant_infidel said...

AA, my heart goes out to you for very special reasons... I lived and worked in Dubai for several years. I worked directly for the ruling family. I also had great difficulty leaving as my reasons for departure were taken as insulting... you already know what a dangerous situation that instantly puts one into. It took me and my wife almost two months to manage to leave. We even informed our families back home that we might not make it out and why. Our circumstances were very different from yours and our method of gaining "legitimate" reason for leaving is not an option for you.

You cannot live and be true to your faith if you disclose it there, now. Your parents will likely not support you. Ending up yet another senseless statistic on a death roster will accomplish nothing.

Use your excellent brain to study in an area that would eventually culminate in a trip abroad to supplement. You may have to plan longer term than you would wish, but it can be a ticket to freedom. You must leave.

I will pray for you daily. And I will monitor your posts. But you must always be aware that your posting may be your undoing. Censorship and monitoring there are active beyond anything the western population has any concept of.

Be smart, plan your escape and come live in freedom. God Bless you and give you strength.

GM Roper said...

I live in South Texas near the Mexican border and here we have a saying in Spanish, "Vaya con Dios." Go, with God!

Know that he is with you every step of the way and that though the path to glory may be difficult, the destination is worth it. Jesus will be with you every step you take so there is real meaning to the phrase.

Vaya con Dios my friend, for he is truly with you.

benning said...

I agree with GM Roper: Vaya Con Dios! And may God work his miracles on those you love.

We're praying for you, Brother.

Kevin Cullis said...

AA,

First, you are NOT a loser!! But then, why are you thinking that? Please don't think my question is to judge you, but to find out why you are thinking this. Here is why I think that your situation is bad, it can be good.

First, a bit of encouragement to you from the Bible. It will neve be as bad as this again. You know the story of Noah? He was the "preacher of righteousness" (2 Peter 2:4-5) for 120 years (Genesis 6:3) when Noah was telling the world about God. But guess what? Not ONE PERSON changed their mind with Noah's preaching, NOT A ONE!! How would you think Noah felt? Probably sad because no one came to a saving knowledge of God, but not as a loser because EVERYONE has free will and each of them have to make a choice. Noah's responsibility was to share the Gospel, let the Holy Spirit CONVICT them of them being sinners, not by our doing (this is works, not grace), and let the chips fall where they may. As Christians, our success is in sharing, not in convicting them or looking for numbers of people saved. It is in the message getting out, not the results of the message. Although we'd all like to see everyone saved, not everyone will be. Even during Jesus' time, the actual Son of God, doing miracles in their very sight, and they STILL did not believe. So, your feelings are not because you are a loser, but you're feeling what the Holy Spirit's love of the unbeliever is like, you want everyone to know of the Love of God for each person.

Second, God's timing is perfect. Another example is Moses. Whem Moses killed a man, the Pharoah wanted to kill him (Exodus 2:15) and Moses was able to run into the wilderness to escape this threat. But look what happend. Moses took God's purpose into his own hands and then paid for his transgression for 40 years when he was in the wilderness. It isn't until God allows the men (not just the Pharoah, but including all of his men) that were trying to kill Moses to die before God came after Moses to begin again (Exodus 4:19) God's plan to free Israel.

Third. both Paul in the New Testament and Joseph in the Old Testament were both wrongly imprisioned, but in both cases God allowed them to spread the gospel in prison. Just think how both of them under God's watchful Eye was able to protect them as they spread the gospel in the prisons. If the both were to "visit" the prison to spread the Good News they would only have had a short time per day/week to explain a lot. But with them being in prison for years they were able to disciple each and every one that came to a saving knowledge of God and Jesus Christ so that when they left the others in prison could carry on the "prison church" what they both started that may have not been possible unless they were sent there.

Bottom line: First, LOVE your parents and family like there is no tomorrow because your actions will speak louder than your words. "Bless them that curse you" and "love your enemies" because Christ loved you first. Second, as a Christian you are FOREVER a part of God's family and I am one of your brothers!!! We will see each other one day as Raptured Believers, so while the distance between us is much, our "family" will keep us close.

My prayers will go to you as long as I can.

Bubba's Pravda said...

AA,

I am praying for you. I am amazed. I don't know how to respond but to pray. If I can ever pray for something specific, please contact me through my blog.

Yours In Christ,

Bubba's Pravda
bubbaspravda.blogspot.com

Right Wing said...

How sad it is when people wish to remain blind to the truth. I'm so proud that you stood up for what you know is right.

Anonymous said...

Dear AA,

Your post brought back many memories of my youth when I became a Christian. No, I'm not an MBB, so it wasn't the same as you had to go through, and I don't want to pretend that I'm better than you. I am just a forgiven sinner.

You see, I became a secret believer after reading the New Testament, which I managed to persuade a Christian school friend to give to me. After reading the entire NT through in about a month, I gave my life to Jesus one night in my dark room, kneeling beside my bed. I don't even know how to pray then.

After that, I lived as a secret Christian, and dared not let my family know. About a year passed, I was reading a book called "Tortured For Christ" by Richard Wumbrandt. It is a book about Christians being persecuted in Communist Romania, and how some of them were put into prison and tortured, just because they were Christians.

I remember one particular story that book wrote about: it was about a believer who when he was imprisoned, continue to share the gospel with everyone else in the prison, even the prison guards. One day he was sharing the gospel, and then the guards came and took him away. He was beaten bloodily and then put back into his cell. He wasn't even able to walk. He got to the person he was sharing the gospel earlier, and asked him, where was I? And he continued to share the gospel with him.

That book encouraged me a great deal, even though I never had to go through anything close to that. Those Christian "made a deal" with the wardens. They will preach the gospel, while the guards will beat them up.

My heart was of course very saddened, and it showed in my face. My father noticed it and asked me what happened. I decided to pick up my courage and tell him that about the book. In the process, the truth came out that I had become a Christian.

At first he was silent, then anger began to show, then he went into a tirade against Christianity. My mother came, snatched the book from my hands, slapped me on my face, tore the book into two and threw the book out of our rented house. My father gave me an ultimatum: if you want to be a Christian, then leave the house.

My mind went blank. I certainly had no idea what to do. But I wanted so very much to continue as a Christian. With tears in my eyes, not because I was being thrown out, but because I was very sad by the blindness of my parents, I stood up. In my pajamas and very hot weather, I walked out. I do not know where I was going, I just walked. but my heart was singing the song:

"I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
no turning back, no turning back."

It was so sad and so peaceful, being bathed in the love of Christ. If Christ gave everything up He had in heaven for me, what is there that I cannot give up for him?

Fortunately for me, my mother, though angry, still had a soft spot and came running after me, and after quite a long talk, persuaded me home. My father had went to sleep. But for the next three or more months, he uttered not a single word to me. He only looked at me with those piercing eyes.

The cold feeling was scary. I even wondered if I should have done something different. I wondered if my going home was turning back to God. I began to doubt even myself. I get a lot of cold words from my Mom and sisters. The Bible that my friend gave me (which I was careful to hide) went missing after a few weeks. But I endured... and the days turned better after a number of years.

Dear AA, your situation will be a lot tougher than what I went through, so I don't want to pretend that it will not be. Still, I pray that you will find strength in Christ to carry on, and know that those heroes of faith are watching and cheering you on. Those who have gone before us in faith have shown us it is worth it (Heb 11). Don't give up, because you know that when you have endured, you will received the crown of life (Rev 2:10).

Praying for you.

Yaqub.

cathmom said...

Dear AA

Pray Pray Pray - When you feel distressed and offended by your family - Pray for them - When you are hurt - in fear - lonely join your sufferings with Christ's on the Cross, offer them to the Father - they have of immense power for the forgiveness of sins when you offer them this way. When you pray for your family you will find consolation. If your mother fails you lean on Our Lady of The Holy Rosary Mother of Christ. She is your Mother, the protector and Advocate, say the rosary and finish with St Micheal the ArchAngel Prayer
O Saint Michael the ArchAngel defend us in our hour of conflict.Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil.May God restrain him we humbly pray and do thou oh prince of the heavenly host by the power of God, thrust satan down to hell and all the wicked spirits who wander through the world for the ruin of souls.Amen
This will protect you.
I will bring you to Our Blessed Mother in my prayers and at Mass. God Bless You

cathmom said...

Dear AA

Pray Pray Pray - When you feel distressed and offended by your family - Pray for them - When you are hurt - in fear - lonely join your sufferings with Christ's on the Cross, offer them to the Father - they have of immense power for the forgiveness of sins when you offer them this way. When you pray for your family you will find consolation. If your mother fails you lean on Our Lady of The Holy Rosary Mother of Christ. She is your Mother, the protector and Advocate, say the rosary and finish with St Micheal the ArchAngel Prayer
O Saint Michael the ArchAngel defend us in our hour of conflict.Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil.May God restrain him we humbly pray and do thou oh prince of the heavenly host by the power of God, thrust satan down to hell and all the wicked spirits who wander through the world for the ruin of souls.Amen
This will protect you.
I will bring you to Our Blessed Mother in my prayers and at Mass. God Bless You