Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Reason That I Fight

When you wake up every morning and you don’t have to worry about what to say and how to pretend for the rest of the day about who you are, you seem to forget how precious freedom is. It’s because you lose touch with the reality that you once lived in, when you had to be careful about every step that you took, when being careless for a single second could mean the end of your life—when you breathed carefully as you always knew that there could be a point when you’ve breathed enough and that’s it.

People fight for freedom vehemently when they don’t have it. The passion dies down over generations that have known nothing but freedom. Those that take part in the war for independence start longing for peace and lose the will to fight again if it ever comes to it. They want to sit in peace and bask in the pure, fresh air, and want to breathe in as much as they want and whenever they want to do it. The past is forgotten. The present is what they want to hold on to—and soon, the freedom that they so dearly fought for is taken for granted.

I have been more or less independent for over a year now. It used to be suffocating before as I wasn’t able to worship the way I wanted—I wasn’t able to read the Bible whenever I wanted, I wasn’t able to talk about Christ whenever I felt like it. However, today, I have more Bibles than I have ever had and I can pick up a Bible whenever I choose to do so. Today, I can pray and talk to my “Father” (God) whenever I want. Yes, in some ways, I have attained the freedom that I longed for so long. Today, when I wake up, I don’t have to worry if I will get through the day without lying about one thing or another. Every weekend, whenever I am in Dubai, I hardly ever have to doubt that I will be going to Church and worship God with fellow believers. I have even changed my name to a Christian one so people don’t always have to assume I am a Muslim when they meet me—today, I am not an ex-Muslim but living as a Christian, a follower of Christ.

Even with all that God has helped me achieve, today as I was talking to some friends of mine, who are in a similar situation as I, I felt like even with all the progress that I thought I’d made, I was still at square one. My family still doesn’t know about my faith and the paperwork, including my passport, mostly attests to the lie that I am a Muslim.

Today, I am feeling depressed after a very long time—however, this depression is good in the sense that I am realizing, also, that I am freer than I ever was before. As I look back today, I remember the suffocating feeling that I always had and about which many here read articles upon articles. Today, I breathe relatively freely. Today, I am blessed with friends and family in Christ that I didn’t have before. Today I am blessed with the most beautiful girl on this earth who is so faithful and self sacrificing toward both me and God.

I have lost my family but I have gained a 100-fold. My God has held up to the promise he made. Today, I am reminded of why I started writing here. What was the primary reason? It wasn’t just because I hated Islam. It was also because I didn’t want anyone to go through what I’d been through in Islam and at the same time, I also wanted people to feel the freedom that I have felt since I have left Islam. I still believe in that mission of mine to this day and I still fight on.

I am left with a question though: My family is still Muslim and they have no idea about the fight that I fight here; when should I tell them? When should I bring the fight into my own home, to my own people? It’s a question to which the answer is not easy to find. I hope I stumble upon it before I break though. I hope I know which direction to go before it’s too late.

We all have our reasons to fight. I was reminded of mine today and I wanted to share.


Ρωμανός ~ Romanós said...

Brother, your words ring so true, and I thank God for you, now more than ever, whenever I think of you. I have nothing in specific to comment on from reading this latest post, but I can sense something very different in you since your earlier posts.

Breaking to your Muslim relatives that you are a Christian is something we in "Christian" countries never have to face. For us, it's realtively minor things like, "Mom, I'm thinking of becoming Orthodox," and Mom and Dad and the rest of the family are all staunch Baptists. It can still get ugly sometimes, though.

I will keep you lifted up in prayer, brother, for all your needs, and for your protection. I do not believe you are meant to be a martyr for Christ in the manner of being killed. That is a possibility, of course, but for you, because of your particular gifts, I believe God will use you as a different kind of martyr—we know, of course, that "martyros" in Greek just means "witness." All of us who are in Christ are martyrs, we can't help it.

Go with God, dear brother, and keep on doing what you are doing now. May the Lord continue to go before you, opening all doors to His will for you.

Word verification: Undeade

Yes, that's what Jesus is—undead!

Ruth Francisco, author said...

I found your blog so moving. I tried to do in fiction what you so much more eloquently do speaking from the heart.

I recently posted a blog novel entitled Amsterdam 2012. It is a thriller about a young woman who witnesses a murder that starts a Muslim rebellion in Amsterdam, which touches off riots throughout Europe and leads to the Great Eurabian War -- World War III. The establishment of a new caliphate follows.

To read my book, go to:

Please feel free to make comments. I would be honored to hear your thoughts.

Kind regards, Ruth Francisco

aku said...

are u really a muslim be4?..hahha..u have 2 read back the koran with all ur hearts...perhaps u misunderstand the meaning...anyways..what ur doing now is not right...thankz 4 make me have more faith in ISLAM when reading your article...ISLAM INSIDE,IDIOT OUTSIDE...hihi

Zaidi said...

Are we to abandon family ties in pursuit of religion? Which should be given priority?

@aku: Instead of typing the way you do, You should be glad that AA is no longer a Muslim and will not taint the name of your religion. Are you saying that if Everyone reads the koran with their heart, they will instantly want to be Muslim? If yes, this can also be applied to other religious books.

The Anti-Jihadist said...

Don't tell your family any time soon. Not till you're safely away from Dar al Islam. And maybe not even then.